Sometimes my heart still hurts...

...When I remember...

*Looking back...April 2006*

(journal entry below)

Your Papa wanted Mama to surprise him with the wonderful news that you were on your way when the Lord saw fit to bless us with another precious gift...you!

I called a nice restaurant, Steak 'N Brew, and with their help and enthusiasm we planned a delicious dinner with a baby theme. They even mailed us a gift certificate that said we won a drawing to get us there without Papa getting suspicious! When it arrived, I called your Papa at work pretending to be all excited about wining this drawing. It worked! He told me to make the reservations. What he didn't know is that I really already had everything all set and ready for us. I called him back a while later and told him we had to choose between chicken or ribs, so I chose ribs because we have chicken all the time. He fell for it!

Finally, it was 5:00pm April, 31st (2006) We sat down to a lovely meal of baby back ribs, glazed baby carrots, rice and salad. I started many conversations about babies and our server along with a few other employees asked us several times how our baby carrots were and how our baby back ribs were. Then it was time for our dessert (a baby themed cake). I had the camera hiding and ready. When I saw our dessert coming, I pulled the camera out and focused on your Papa! He was a little choked up when he asked "what are you up to?" Then I asked him "What did you have for dinner?" He looked at me kind of puzzled when he answered "I don't know." I said "You had baby back ribs and you had glazed baby carrots...and you are going to have a...BABY!

Papa's first expression...Absolutely elated!

Another Journal Entry...

May 4, 2006 at 6:00am Tim and I experienced on of the most terrifying things expecting parents could possibly face. The doctor told us to prepare ourselves to loose the precious life within my womb. The roller coaster of emotions, questions, confusion, fear, feelings of failure, etc. were spinning and twisting full speed. The next few days were absolute torture. The fear of the unknown was almost unbearable. Finally Saturday, May 6th we were given the dreaded news that it was over and my womb was lifeless.

Sunday, May 7th I passed our precious little Jayme. I held that sweet lifeless child in my hand and my heart was ripped out as my eyes took in Jayme's tiny head, arms and legs...so vivid and real. Only half the length of my pinky, Jayme was a tiny little person with a soul, a Savior and a Mother & Father who loved him with a passion.

*A letter read at Jayme's memorial Service*

Mommy, please don't cry...a beautiful angel carried me here!

I met Jesus today, Mommy! He cradled me in His big, strong, arms. He made me feel so happy inside.

Mommy, please don't cry...Heaven is a wonderful place! Did you know the streets are made of gold? Real gold!

I have lots of friends, Mommy. We run and play. We giggle and laugh. I can't wait to show you all my secret hideouts!

Mommy, please don't cry...When I fall it doesn't hurt! There are no tears in Heaven.

I've met a man named Noah. He told me about his big boat, all the animals, and the very first rainbow. Have you heard of Noah, Mommy?

Mommy, please don't cry...we have lots of parties here; with streamers and hats, and the best chocolate cake ever!

When it's time to rest angels tuck us in. I never get scared Mommy, there is no darkness here! Jesus is the light of Heaven.

Mommy, please don't cry...the angels are always singing. I love to sing with the angels! You'd be proud of me. I have a pretty good voice. I must have gotten it from you.

There is a river, Mommy, in the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine...and a huge tree with yummy fruit. The angels call it the tree of life.

Mommy, it's so wonderful to be alive in Heaven!

Mommy, please don't cry...sometimes I just like to be by myself. That's when I think of you. Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together.

Mommy, please don't cry...I'll wait right here for you.

A letter from Papa

(read at Jayme's memorial service)

Dear Jayme,

Your time with us on this earth was short. We loved you dearly. We were very excited about your arrival, anticipating it with much joy.

Farewell my dear. You are not with us, but you will never be forgotten. This crab apple tree is a reminder to us of your time here. Every spring, when it blooms, your Mama and I will remember you and think about the beauty you are enjoying in heaven, and how special you are to us.

Again, farewell. We will see you again one day. Until then...

I LOVE YOU.

Papa

All pictures (accept for the one of Tim) were taken this morning of Jayme's memorial right next to our home. We chose to build it there to always be near us. Every time we go somewhere we walk right by. I like it that way. Jayme is always close and part of the beauty that we enjoy every spring. And as his Papa said, it's a reminder of the beauty he is enjoying in Heaven. That is a comfort to me, especially on days like today...when it still hurts.